Absentee fathers are increasingly common in modern living, especially in the urban setting. What keeps a father away from his beloved family? The reasons may be many and varied.

Pressure of work and over commitment is one main reason. Nowadays a man is required to work longer hours if he wants to be successful. Sometimes it’s a matter of no choice because his boss expects him to. Depending on the locality and distance, commuting between home and office can exact a hefty toll on his time and energy. The common scenario is that of a father coming home late and exhausted. He has no time or energy left for his family. He can only hope to make up during weekends or holidays. Even then, if it is not carefully guarded, family time can get replaced by other activities.

Lack of parenting skills is another reason. A man who grew up with an uninvolved father may find it difficult relating to his children especially teenagers. He does not know how to communicate love and affection naturally, and so he compensates by working harder to better provide for them materially. He lacks the skill in building bridges of communication to establish good rapport as well as discipline when needed.

Sometimes a father’s attempt to connect with his teenagers is met with cold shoulders. Discouraged he may be tempted not to try again.

Perhaps another reason is that fathers have not see the importance of spending time with their teenagers, especially when they appear to be doing fine.

Whatever the reasons, fathers will do well to remember that children, especially teenagers, need their fathers as well as their mothers.

Question 1: Would you speak about the impact of what has been called “the absentee father” – especially during the tougher years of adolescence?

Answer: It is stating the obvious, I suppose, to say that fathers are desperately needed at home during the teen years. In their absence, mothers are left to handle disciplinary problems alone. This is occurring in millions of families headed by single mothers today, and heaven only knows how difficult their task has become. Not only are they doing a job that should have been shouldered by two, they must also deal with behavioral problems that fathers are more ideally suited to handle. It is generally understood that a man’s larger size, deeper voice, and masculine demeanor make it easier for him to deal with defiance in the younger generation. Many mothers raise their teenagers alone and do the job with excellence, but it is a challenging assignment.

Question 2: As a father, what should I be trying to accomplish with my son in these teen years?

Answer: Some has said, “Link a boy to the right man and he seldom goes wrong.” I believe that is true. If a dad and his son can develop hobbies together or other common interests, the rebellious years can pass in relative tranquillity. What they experience may be remembered for a lifetime.

I recall a song, written by Dan Fogelberg, that told about a man who shared his love of music with his elderly father. It is called “Leader of the Band,” and its message touches something deep within me. The son talks of a father who “earned his love through discipline, a thundering, velvet hand.” The father’s “song is in my soul.” The son himself has become a “living legacy to the leader of the band.” Can’t you see this man going to visit his aged father today, with a lifetime of love passing between them?

Let me address your question directly: What common ground are you cultivating with your impressionable son? Some fathers build or repair cars with them; some construct small models or make things in a woodshop. My dad and I hunted and fished together. There is no way to describe what those days meant to me as we entered the woods in the early hours of the morning. How could I get angry at this man who took time to be with me? We had wonderful talks while coming home from a day of laughter and fun in the country. I tried to maintain that kind of contact with my son.

Opportunities to communicate openly and build the father-son relationship have to be created. It’s a goal that’s worth whatever it takes to achieve.

Question 3: How about a little equal time? Talk about a father’s impact on his daughter and what he should hope to accomplish through that relationship.

Answer: Fathers have an incalculable impact on their daughters. Most psychologists believe, and I am one of them, that all future romantic relationships to occur in a girl’s life will be influenced positively or negatively by the way she perceives and interacts with her dad. If he rejects and ignores her, she will spend her life trying to replace him in her heart. If he is warm and nurturing, she will look for a lover to equal him. If he thinks she is beautiful, worthy, and feminine, she will be inclined to see herself that way. But if he thinks she is unattractive and uninteresting, she is likely to carry self-esteem problems into her adult years.

I have also observed that a woman’s respect for her husband is significantly influenced by the way she perceived her father. If he was overbearing, uncaring, or capricious during her developmental years, she may disrespect her husband and question his judgment. But if Dad blended love and leadership in a way that conveyed strength, she will be more likely to live harmoniously with him.

None of these tendencies or trends are absolute, of course. Individual differences can always produce exceptions and contradictions. But this statement will be hard to refute: A good father will leave his imprint on his daughter for the rest of her life.

This article was written by Focus on the Family Malaysia and the Questions and Answers are extracted from “The Complete Marriage and Family Home Reference Guide” by Dr. James Dobson with permission.

Focus on the Family 90-second commentaries is aired over TRAXX FM at 12.05pm Monday to Friday.