Disciplining the Preschool Child

During one recent Children’s Camp, all the children were asked about their opinions of parents who discipline them. Most of the children answered with a negative response. Some commented that their parents discipline them for anything and everything, others wish their parents would not enforce rules and regulations. One child however, was very quiet and when he was asked that question, he replied, ‘I wish my parents were interested in me enough to be around and exercise rules and regulations’.

Deep within each child, there is a need to be wanted. Subconsciously, they would interpret parents who are relaxed and do not impose rules as parents who do not have the time to do so or are not interested. Many surveys have been conducted on children with high self esteemed and some of the common findings from these groups of children are : -

These children come from homes where the parents love one another and they mean what they say.

There is a fair amount of discipline enforced. Children are corrected for misdeeds and there is a clear understanding of childish irresponsibilities and willful defiance.

Children are free to express themselves rather than being seen and not heard.

These may be some guiding principles for us in the area of disciplining of preschoolers but above all else, we must recognize the importance of spending time with them to understand their character and nature. If we understand our children better, it becomes easier for us to administer discipline.

In the area of discipline, some are of the opinion that we should not exercise corporal punishment as it may be damaging to a child. As the saying goes, ‘Spare the rod and spoil the child’. We are of the opinion that discipline exercise with love and concern would create a more positive and lasting effect on a child as opposed to a permissive and lax attitude.

Question:At what age should discipline begin?

Answer:There should be no physical punishment for a child younger than fifteen to eighteen months old, regardless of the circumstance. An infant is incapable of comprehending his or her “offence” or associating it with the resulting consequences. Some parents do not agree and find themselves “swatting” a baby for wiggling while being diapered or for crying in the midnight hours. This is a terrible mistake. Other parents will shake a child violently when they are frustrated or irritated by incessant crying. Let me warn those mothers and fathers of the dangers of that punishing response. Shaking an infant can cause serious neurological damage, which can occur as the brain is slammed against the skull. Do not risk any kind of injury with a baby!

Especially during the first year, a youngster needs to be held, loved, and calmed by a soothing human voice. He should be fed when hungry and kept clean and dry and warm. The foundation for emotional and physical health is laid during this twelve-month period, which should be characterized by security, affection, and warmth.

Question:Please describe the best approach to the discipline of a one-year-old child.

Answer:Many children will begin to gently test the authority of their parents as they approach their first birthday. The confrontations will be minor and infrequent at first, yet the beginnings of future struggles can be seen. My own daughter, for example, challenged her mother for the first time when she was nine months old. My wife was waxing the kitchen floor when Danae crawled to the edge of the linoleum. Shirley said, “No, Danae,” gesturing to the child not to enter the kitchen. Since our daughter began talking very early, she clearly understood the meaning of the word no. Nevertheless, she crawled straight onto the sticky wax. Shirley picked her up and set her down in the doorway while saying no even more strongly as she put her down. Seven times this process was repeated until Danae finally yielded and crawled away in tears. As far as we can recall, that was the first direct confrontation of wills between my daughter and my wife. Many more were to follow.

How does a parent discipline a one-year-old? Very carefully and gently! A child at this age is easy to distract and divert. Rather than jerking a wristwatch from his or her hands, show him or her a brightly colored alternative – and then be prepared to catch the watch when it falls. When unavoidable confrontations do occur, as with Danae on the waxy floor, win them by firm persistence but not by punishment. Have the courage to lead the child without being harsh or mean or gruff.

Compared to the months that are to follow, the period around one year of age is usually a tranquil, smooth-functioning time in a child’s life.

Question:I like your idea of balancing love with discipline, but I am not sure I can do it. My parents were extremely rigid with us, and I am determined not to make that mistake with my kids. But I don’t want to be a pushover, either. Can you give me some help in finding the middle ground between extremes?

Answer:Maybe it would clarify the overall goal of your discipline to state it in the negative. It is not to produce perfect kids. Even if you implement a flawless system of discipline at home, which no one in history has done, your children will still be children. At times they will be silly, lazy, selfish, and, yes, disrespectful. Such is the nature of the human species. We as adults have the same weaknesses. Furthermore, when it comes to kids, that’s how is should be. Boys and girls are like clocks; you have to let them run. My point is that the purpose of parental discipline is not to produce obedient little robots who can sit with their hands folded in the parlor thinking patriotic and noble thoughts! Even if we could pull that off, it wouldn’t be wise to try.

The objective, as I see it, is to take the raw material with which our babies arrive on this earth, and then gradually mold them into mature, responsible, and God-fearing adults. It is a twenty-year process that will bring progress, setbacks, successes, and failures. When the child turns thirteen, you will swear for a time that he’s missed everything you thought you had taught – manners, kindness, grace, and style. But then maturity begins to take over, and the little green shoots from former plantings start to emerge. It is one of the richest experiences in living to watch that blossoming at the latter end of childhood.

Question:I believe one of the primary tasks for parents is to prepare children for the independence and responsibility of adulthood. I have an infant son, and I certainly want to teach him to be self-disciplined and responsible as the years unfold. But I don’t know where to start. How can I instill these characteristics in my son, and how early should I begin?

Answer:Well, that is what good parenting is all about. Let me describe the task in developmental terms. A little child at birth is, of course, completely helpless. That little guy lying in his crib can do nothing for himself: He doesn’t roll over or hold his bottle. He can’t say please or thank you, and he doesn’t apologize for getting you up six times in one night. He doesn’t even have to appreciate your efforts. In other words, a child begins his life in a state of complete and total dependency, and you are in his servitude.

About twenty years later, however, some dramatic changes should have occurred in that individual. He should have developed the skills and self-discipline necessary for successful adult living. He is expected to spend his money wisely, hold a job, be loyal to his spouse (if he’s married), support the needs of his family, obey the laws of the land, and be a good citizen. In other words, during the short course of childhood, an individual should progress systematically from dependency to independency– from irresponsibility to responsibility.

The question is, how does little John or Nancy or Paul get from Position A to Position B? How does that magical transformation from babyhood to maturity take place? Some parents seem to believe that it all will coalesce toward the latter end of adolescence, about fifteen minutes before the individual leaves home. I reject that notion categorically. The best preparation for adulthood comes from training in responsibility during the childhood years. This is not to say that the child should be required to work like an adult. It does mean that he can be encouraged to progress in an orderly timetable of events, carrying the level of responsibility that is appropriate for his age. Shortly after birth, for example, the mother begins transferring responsibilities from her shoulders to those of her infant. Little by little he learns to sleep through the night, hold his own bottle, and reach for what he wants. Later he is potty trained, and he learns to walk and talk. As each new skill is mastered, his mother “frees” herself that much more from his servitude.

Each year the child should make more of his own decisions as the responsibilities of living shift from his parents’ shoulders to his own. A seven-year-old, for example, is usually capable of selecting his own clothing for the day (within reason). He should be keeping his room straight and making his bed each morning. A nine- or ten-year-old may be enjoying more freedom, such as choosing from approved television programs. I am not suggesting that we abdicate parental leadership during these years; rather, I believe we should give conscious thought to the reasonable, orderly transfer of freedom and responsibility so that we are preparing the child each year for that moment of full independence that must come.

Returning to your question about your infant son, let me cite two insightful phrases coined by Marguerite and Willard Beecher that will guide the instructional process I have described. They are (1) the parent needs to gain his or her freedom from the child, so that the child can obtain his or her freedom from the parent; and (2) a parent should do nothing for a child that the child can profit from doing for himself or herself. If you apply those two recommendations, you’ll get that boy or girl ready to be a responsible man or woman.

Question:If punishment is never recommended for an infant, what form of discipline is appropriate at that age?

Answer:The answer is loving leadership. Parents should have the courage to do what is right for their babies, even if they protest vigorously. Dr. Bill Slonecker, a Nashville pediatrician and a good friend, has stressed the importance of parents taking charge right from the day of birth. Too often he has seen mothers in his private practice who were afraid of their infants. They would call his office and frantically huff, “My six-month-old baby is crying and seems very hot”. The doctor would ask if the child had a fever, to which Mom would reply, “I don’t know. He won’t let me take his temperature”. These mothers had already yielded their authority to their infants. Some would never regain it.

Good parenting and loving leadership go hand in hand. And it should begin on “Day One”.

Question:Please describe the best approach to the discipline of a one-year-old child.

Answer:Many children will begin to gently test the authority of their parents as they approach their first birthday. The confrontations will be minor and infrequent at first, yet the beginnings of future struggles can be seen. My own daughter, for example, challenged her mother for the first time when she was nine months old. My wife was waxing the kitchen floor when Danae crawled to the edge of the linoleum. Shirley said, “No, Danae”, gesturing to the child not to enter the kitchen. Since our daughter began talking very early, she clearly understood the meaning of the word no. Nevertheless, she crawled straight onto the sticky wax. Shirley picked her up and set her down in the doorway while saying no even more strongly as she put her down. Seven times this process was repeated until Danae finally yielded and crawled away in tears. As far as we can recall, that was the first direct confrontation of wills between my daughter and my wife. Many more were to follow.

How does a parent discipline a one-year-old? Very carefully and gently! A child at this age is easy to distract and divert. Rather than jerking a wristwatch from his or her hands, show him or her a brightly colored alternative – and then be prepared to catch the watch when it falls. When unavoidable confrontations do occur, as with Danae on the waxy floor, win them by firm persistence but not by punishment. Have the courage to lead the child without being harsh or mean or gruff.

Compared to the months that are to follow, the period around one year of age is usually a tranquil, smooth-functioning time in a child’s life.

Question:I have a two-year-old boy who is as cute as a bug’s ear, and I love him dearly, but he nearly drives me crazy. He throws the most violent temper tantrums and gets into everything. Why is he like this, and are other toddlers so difficult?

Answer:Your description of your toddler comes right out of the child-development textbooks. That time of life begins with a bang (like the crash of a lamp or a porcelain vase) at about eighteen months of age and runs hot and heavy until about the third birthday. A toddler is the most hard-nosed opponent of law and order, and he honestly believes that the universe circles around him. n his cute little way, he is curious and charming and funny and lovable and exciting and selfish and demanding and rebellious and destructive. Comedian Bill Cosby, father of five, had some personal experience with toddlers. He is quoted as saying, “Give me two hundred active two-year-olds and I could conquer the world”.

Children between fifteen and thirty-six months of age do not want to be restricted or inhibited in any manner, nor are they inclined to conceal their opinion. Bedtime becomes an exhausting, dreaded ordeal each night. They want to play with everything in reach, particularly fragile and expensive ornaments. They prefer using their pants rather than the potty and insist on eating with their hands. And most of what goes in their mouth is not food. When they break loose in a store, they run as fast as their little legs will carry them. They pick up the kitty by its ears and then scream bloody murder when scratched. They want Mommy within three feet of them all day, preferably in the role of their full-time playmate. Truly, the toddler is a tiger – but a precious one.

I hope you won’t get too distressed by the frustrations of the toddler years. It is a very brief period of development that will be over before you know it. With all its challenges, it is also a delightful time when your little boy is at his cutest. Approach him with a smile and a hug. But don’t fail to establish yourself as the boss during this period. All the years to come will be influenced by the relationship you build during this eighteen-month window.

This article was written by Focus on the Family Malaysia and the Questions and Answers are extracted from “The Complete Marriage and Family Home Reference Guide” by Dr. James Dobson with permission.
 
For further enquiries, kindly contact Focus on the Family (M) Sdn. Bhd., 39 Jalan Bandar Enambelas, Pusat Bandar Puchong, 47100 Puchong. Tel 03-58823343, Fax 03-58823533, focus@family.org.my or www.family.org.my

Focus on the Family 90-second commentaries is aired over TRAXX FM at 12.05pm Monday to Friday