When Jonathan and Mary decided to have a second child, they planned everything. When to have the baby, when to apply for maternity leave, how much money to put aside for the additional expenses, and the like.

What they did not anticipate and therefore did not plan for was their first's child's reaction to the new baby. Many parents take for granted that the older child will automatically love the new baby and while this is true, the sibling's initial reactions to the new baby can be quite negative. This is true even when the new baby is at the request of the child or children in the family. Parents often find this shocking and very distressing. The negative behaviors vary from pinching the new baby or hiding the baby's things. Sometimes older children may also regress and re-adopt behavior that they have outgrown. Parents are usually at a loss of what to do.

In an attempt to help parents identify with what the older child goes through, a popular author ask the parent to image your spouse marrying another much younger partner. And as the three of you step into a restaurant, all your friends rush to greet the new spouse commenting on how cute and adorable she is. Admiring her clothes, her beautiful smile and how lovely she smells while ignoring you standing right there.

She gets to order first and eats when and what she likes while you are made to eat what your spouse deems acceptable. When you get home, she is attended to and you are made to assist in taking care of her. While she plays and enjoys herself, you have to do household chores and other unpleasant tasks. If you can imagine this then you know some of what the older child feels in regards to the new baby. As much as the older child may love the new baby, he or she cannot help but feel a sense of loss for their previous status. Psychologists call this "dethronement." Where once the older child sat on the throne, they have now been replaced. It is very important that parents handle this period wisely and sensitively, recognizing that both the new baby as well as the older child has valid and very real needs and feelings.

Question 1: Why do my kids have to fight all the time? I have three of them, and they drive me crazy. Why can't they be nice to each other?

Answer: Good question! All I can tell you is that sibling rivalry has been going on for a long time. The underlying source of this conflict is old-fashioned jealousy and competition between children. Marguerite and Willard Beecher, writing in their book Parents on the Run, expressed the inevitability of this struggle as follows:

It was once believed that if parents would explain to a child that he was having a little brother or sister, he would not resent it. He was told that his parents had enjoyed him so much that they wanted to increase their happiness. This was supposed to avoid jealous competition and rivalry. It did not work. Why should it? Needless to say, if a man tells his wife he has loved her so much that he now plans to bring another wife into the home to "increase his happiness," she would not be immune to jealousy. On the contrary, the fight would just begin--in exactly the same fashion as it does with children.

Question 2: If jealousy between kids is so common, then how can parents minimize the natural antagonism children feel for their siblings?

Answer: It's helpful to avoid circumstances that compare them unfavorably with each other. They are extremely sensitive to the competitive edge of their relationship. The question is not "How am I doing?" it is "How am I doing compared with John or Steven or Marion?" The issue is not how fast I can run, but who crosses the finish line first. A boy does not care how tall he is; he is vitally interested in who is tallest. Each child systematically measures himself against his peers and is tremendously sensitive to failure within his own family. Accordingly, parents should guard against comparative statements that routinely favor one child over another.

Perhaps an illustration will help make the case. When I was about ten years old, I loved to play with a couple of dogs that belonged to two families in the neighborhood. One was a black Scottie who liked to chase and retrieve tennis balls. The other was pug bulldog who had a notoriously bad attitude. One day as I was tossing the ball for the Scottie, it occurred to me that it might be interesting to throw it in the direction of the ol' grouch. It was not a smart move.

The ball rolled under the bulldog, who grabbed the Scottie by the throat when he tried to retrieve it. It was an awful scene. Neighbors came running as the Scottie screamed in pain. It took ten minutes and a garden hose to pry the bulldog's grip loose, and by then the Scottie was almost dead. He spent two weeks in the hospital, and I spent two weeks in "the doghouse." I regret throwing that ball to this day.

I have thought about that experience many times and have begun to recognize its application to human relationships. Indeed, it is a very simple thing to precipitate a fight between people. All that is necessary is to toss a ball, symbolically, under the more aggressive of the two and prepare for the battle that ensures. This is done by repeating negative comments one has made or by baiting one in the presence of the other. It can be accomplished in business by assigning overlapping territory to two managers. They will tear each other to pieces in the inevitable rivalry. Alas, it happens every day.

This principle is also applicable to siblings. It is remarkably easy to make them mortal enemies. All a parent must do is toss a ball in the wrong direction. Their natural antagonism will do the rest.

Question 3: Sometimes I feel as though my children fight and argue as a method of attracting my attention. If this is the case, how should I respond?

Answer: You are probably correct in making that assumption. Sibling rivalry often represents a form of manipulation of parents. Quarreling and fighting provide an opportunity for both children to "capture" adult attention. It has been written, "Some children had rather be wanted for murder than not wanted at all." Toward this end, a pair of obnoxious kids can tacitly agree to bug their parents until they get a response--even if it is an angry reaction.

One father told me that his son and his nephew began to argue and then beat each other with their fists. Both fathers were nearby and decided to let the fight run its natural course. During the first lull in the action, one of the boys glanced sideways toward the passive men and said, "Isn't anybody going to stop us before we get hurt?"

The fight, you see, was something neither boy wanted. Their violent combat was directly related to the presence of the two adults and would have taken a different form if the boys had been alone. Children will "hook" their parents' attention and intervention in this way.

Believe it or not, this form of sibling rivalry is easiest to control. The parent must simply render the behavior unprofitable to each participant. I would recommend that you review the problem (for example, a morning full of bickering) with the children and then say, "Now listen carefully. If the two of you want to pick on each other and make yourselves miserable, then be my guests [assuming there is a fairly equal balance of power between them.] Go inside and fight until you're exhausted. But it's not going to occur under my feet anymore. It's over! And you know that I mean business when I make that kind of statement. Do we understand each other?"

Having made the boundaries clear, I would act decisively the instant either boy returned to his bickering. If they had separate bedrooms, I would confine one child to each room for at least thirty minutes of complete boredom without radio, computer, or television. Or I would assign one to clean the garage and the other to mow the lawn. Or I would make them take a nap. My purpose would be to make them believe me the next time I asked for peace and tranquility.

It is simply not necessary to permit children to destroy the joy of living. And what is most surprising, children are the happiest when their parents enforce reasonable limits with love and dignity.

This article was written by Focus on the Family Malaysia and the Questions and Answers are extracted from "Complete Family and Marriage Home Reference Guide " by Dr. James Dobson with permission.

Focus on the Family 90-second commentaries is aired over TRAXX FM at 6.30 a.m. Monday to Friday.