Purity seems archaic; abstinence impossible. Why wait when everyone else is getting the goods now?

Our children continue to be inundated with sexual overtones in many aspects of their daily lives on TV, music, advertising and so on. It's just sex--the subject of nearly every movie and primetime show, even magazine ads. What's so special about it? In a sex-saturated culture, waiting till marriage seems outdated and prudish. Pleasure is the name of the game. But that's not the whole story.

In addition to the risk of contracting STDs and AIDS or getting pregnant, premarital sex leads to emotional distress, distrust, regret and emptiness. That's because sex connects two people in body and spirit; it's impossible to separate the two.

Against this back-drop, clearly our role as parents is critical to ensure the message of abstinence remains paramount.

Question: If you were a parent and knew that your son or daughter was thinking about engaging in sexual intercourse, wouldn’t you talk to them about condom usage? If our kids are going to have sex anyway, shouldn’t we make sure they are properly protected?

Answer: I would not, because that approach has an unintended consequence. By recommending condom usage to teenagers, we inevitably convey five dangerous ideas:

1. That "safe sex " is achievable;
2. That everybody is doing it;
3. That responsible adults expect them to do it;
4. That it’s a good thing; and
5. That their peers know they know these things, breeding promiscuity.

Those are very destructive messages to give our kids.

Further, one reason teenagers engage in intercourse is peer pressure! Therefore, anything we do to imply that "everybody is doing it " results in more--not fewer--teens who give the game a try. What I’m saying is that condom usage does not reduce the number of kids exposed to the disease--they radically increase it!

Unwed teenage pregnancies, abortions among teens, unwed births and venereal disease infections have impacted a generation of young people. The statistics speak for themselves.

And consider this: Research indicates that where disease prevention is concerned, the failure rate of condoms is incredibly high, perhaps 50 percent or greater. Condoms also fail to protect against some STDs that are transmitted from areas not covered (the base of the male genitalia, for example). The number of cases of herpes, AIDS/HIV occurring annually continues to increase.

In Malaysia, the Ministry of Health had reported that more than 78,000 persons have been diagnosed with HIV up to June 2007 and the number of infections due to sexual intercourse had increased from 18.2% in 2002 to 31.9% in 2006. In addition, from 2007 to 2008, based on the statistics from the Malaysian Ministry of Health, the incidence rates of AIDS and HIV have declined from 3.39 to 4.17 to 16.84 to 13.31 per 100,000 population, the rates are nonetheless high.

Having acknowledged these problems, why in the world would I recommend this so-called solution to my son or daughter? Look at it this way. Suppose my kids were sky divers whose parachutes had been demonstrated to fail 50 percent of the time. Would I suggest that they simply buckle the chutes tighter? Certainly not! I would say, "Please don’t jump. Your life is at stake! " How could I, as a loving father, do less?

I should add that, despite the popular myth to the contrary, teens can understand, accept, and implement the abstinence message. It’s not true that young people are sexual robots, hopelessly incapable of controlling their own behavior. Many teenagers remain virgins and hardly anybody has told them it is a good thing. These kids desperately need to be affirmed in their decision and held up as positive examples for others. None of this will be accomplished by pushing condoms.

Sex within the context for which it was intended--lifelong, monogamous marriage--is always safe. This is the message our kids need to hear from the earliest days of childhood! Anything less is worse than third-rate!

Question: I would like to teach my own child about human sexuality, but I’m not sure I know how to go about it. Talk about the matter of timing. When do I say what?

Answer: One of the most common mistakes made by parents and many overzealous educators is reading too much too soon. One parent told me, for example, that the kindergarten children in her local area were shown films of animals in the act of copulation. That is unwise and dangerous! Available evidence indicates that there are numerous hazards involved in moving too rapidly. Children can sustain a severe emotional jolt by being exposed to realities for which they are not prepared.

Furthermore, it is unwise to place the youngster on an informational timetable that will result in full awareness too early in life, If eight-year-old children are given an understanding of mature sexual behavior, it is less likely that they will wait ten or twelve years to apply this knowledge within the confines of marriage.

Generally speaking, children should be given information they need at a particular age. Six-year-olds, for example, don’t need to understand the pleasures of adult sexuality. They are not ready to deal with that concept at their developmental stage. They should be told where babies come from and how they are born. Sometime between six and nine, depending on the maturity and interest of an individual (and what is being heard in the neighborhood), he or she ought to understand how conception occurs. The rest of the story can be told later in elementary school.

Admittedly, this ideal timetable can be turned upside down by exposure to precocious friends, racy videos, or unwise adults. When that occurs, you have to cope with the fallout as best as possible. It is regrettable that we expose our vulnerable children to far too much of the wrong kind sexuality.

This article was written by Focus on the Family Malaysia and the Questions and Answers are extracted from "Complete Family and Marriage Home Reference Guide " by Dr. James Dobson with permission.

Focus on the Family 90-second commentaries is aired over TRAXX FM at 9.30 a.m. Monday to Friday.