Courtship model in place of dating is not for all teens

Question: My oldest son is approaching the age where we had previously agreed to allow him to date.

Several of my friends have adopted the concept of "courtship" rather than dating. Could you please explain this idea to me, and suggest which of the two arrangements you favour?

Answer: Simply put, the "courtship" concept is a reaction to the dating model, which is thought by many to be unhealthy. Dating couples go through a series of short-term and often unsatisfying relationships over a period of five or 10 years or longer.

As such, they are being taught to flirt from one relationship to another like a honeybee buzzing from flower to flower. Why would they not be inclined later to bail out on a marriage partner when bored or frustrated?

Dating also encourages sexual familiarity and experimentation. It isn't difficult to understand why an increasing number of parents feel this traditional model undermines commitment, exclusivity and permanence in marriage.

The courtship model, by contrast, seeks to postpone emotional and physical entanglements until they occur with the probable husband or wife. The family is very supportive in helping to choose that special individual for a serious courtship when the time is right.

Until then, relationships between the sexes are limited to group situations in carefully controlled settings. Physical intimacy for the sake of titillation and experimentation is considered to be most inappropriate. It is the ultimate in "saving oneself" for the man or woman with whom a lifetime will be spent.

Many parents, and undoubtedly the majority of teenagers, would consider the courtship model to be extreme and terribly restrictive. Not every teenager would tolerate it.

I believe it is a good idea in those settings where both generations are committed to it and are willing to work together to make it successful. "Courtship" is not recommended in cases of adolescent rebellion or where there is great resistance to the ideAnswer: Whether or not to take this approach, therefore, is a matter for individual families to determine.

Empty nest syndrome can be difficult to cope with

Question: We hear so much about mothers being depressed and unable to accept the empty nest when the kids leave home. In our family, however, it was Dad who took it hard. He went into a tailspin for more than a month. Is this unusual?

Answer: No, it happens very commonly. In a recent study, 189 parents of college freshmen were asked to report their feelings when their son or daughter left home. Surprisingly, the fathers took it harder than the mothers.

That resistance to the empty nest was the theme of the movie "Father of the Bride," which was a hilarious and touching tribute to the love of a father for his daughter. When George, the dad, sat across from his daughter at the dinner table and learned that she was engaged, he took the news hard.

He couldn't believe what he was hearing. He had to clear his vision when he was with his daughter as a baby girl, and then as a 10-year-old tomboy, and finally as a beautiful young woman of 18. His little girl had grown up so quickly and now she was leaving home. He would never again be the main man in the life of his precious daughter, and there was grieving to be done.

Why do men sometimes take the empty nest so hard? One of the chief explanations is regret. They have been so busy, working so hard, that they let the years slip by almost unnoticed. Then suddenly they realize it is too late to build a relationship with the child who is leaving home forever.

For those of you who still have children or teenagers at home, take a moment regularly to enjoy your remaining time together. Those days will be gone in the blink of an eye.

Sons see their fathers through their mothers' eyes

Question: My wife works hard to teach my sons to respect me as their father and that makes my job with them easier. Even when she is upset with me, she never lets the kids know about it. Don't you think that is generous of her?

Answer: She is not only generous, she is a wise woman, too. Mothers can help bond the generations together or they can drive a wedge between them. This concept was expressed beautifully in a book titled "Fathers and Sons" by Lewis Yablonsky.

The author observed that mothers are the primary interpreters of fathers' personality, character and integrity to their sons. In other words, the way boys see their fathers is largely a product of the things their mothers have said and the way they feel about their husbands. In Yablonsky's case, his mother destroyed the respect he might have had for his father. This is what he wrote:

"I vividly recall sitting at the dinner table with my two brothers and father and mother and cringing at my mother's attacks on my father. 'Look at him,' she would say in Yiddish. 'His shoulders are bent down, he's a failure. He doesn't have the courage to get a better job or make more money. He's a beaten man.' He would keep his eyes pointed toward his place and never answer her.

She never extolled his virtues or persistence or the fact that he worked so hard. Instead she constantly focused on the negative and created an image for his three sons of a man without fight, crushed by a world over which he had no control.

"His not fighting back against her constant criticism had the effect of confirming its validity to her sons. And my mother's treatment and the picture of my father did not convey to me that marriage was a happy state of being, or that women were basically people. I was not especially motivated to assume the role of husband and father myself from my observations of my whipped father."

My overall research clearly supports that the mother is the basic filter and has enormous significance in the father-son relationship. Though Yablonsky did not say so, it is also true that a father can do great damage to his wife's relationship with their children.

Very early on I found that when I was irritated with Shirley for some reason, my attitude was instantly picked up by our son and daughter. They seemed to feel, "If Dad can argue with Mom, then we can too."

It became clear to me just how important it was for me to express my love and admiration for Shirley. However, I could never do that job of building respect for my wife as well as she did for me! She made me a king in my own home. If our son and daughter believed half of what she told them about me, I would have been a fortunate man.

The close relationship I enjoy with Danae and Ryan today is largely a product of Shirley's great love for me and the way she "interpreted" me to our kids. I will always be grateful for her for doing that.

Can one undo the harm caused in parenting?

Question: After reading several excellent books on parenting, I see now that I have been doing many things wrong with my children. Can I undo the harm?

Answer: I doubt if it is too late to do things right, although your ability to influence your children lessens with the passage of time. Fortunately, we are permitted to make many mistakes with our kids.

They are resilient and usually survive most of our errors in judgment. It's a good thing they do, because none of us can be a perfect parent. Besides, it's not the occasional mistakes that hurt a child; it's the consistent influence of destructive conditions throughout childhood that does the damage.

This article was written by Dr James Dobson of Focus on the Family. For further enquiries, kindly contact:

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