The pre-school child is very active and enjoys this period of their life tremendously. Parents who recognize this can similarly enjoy this period together with the rambunctious child! Even though they may not be verbally fluent, they understand and observe more than we usually give them credit for. Treating them as individuals with personalities of their own and recognizing and respecting their likes and dislikes is an initial step in establishing a bond of love and mutual respect.

This is also the age of discovery and questions, and the child's curiosity is insatiable. It is very natural for the adult to reach a point when we feel we have reached the limit but the youngster seems to have boundless energy. When this energy is properly channeled into activities, it allows for growth and maturity in the pre-schooler.

The capacity to love and the establishment of a deep bonding must be the basis for any kind of discipline. Discipline must not be felt to be imposed but to be mutually agreed for the well being of the pre-schooler. The tone of voice, a look and the manner in which parents carry and physically relate to children are all expressions of this bonding. A child must feel safe with the parent and trust them completely. This bonding then is the basis for establishing lines of obedience and compliance with what the parent expects.

Creative play is one way of ensuring that the child's energy is put to good use. Parents must be involved in these activities and give praise and help when necessary. Also allow for individuality and differences, making use of opportunities to impress upon the child the need to follow rules and steps even in play. Parents must convey to the child that rules are there to make them happy and safe and following the rules produces greater satisfaction all round.

When punishment is necessary, a sense of sadness and disappointment must be sincerely felt and expressed by the adult. When a mishap occurs, adults should investigate the cause together with the child rather than jump to conclusion about what happened, or criticize and condemn. Rarely, if ever, does a loved child want to displease a parent whom they look up to for confidence and security.

Outings can be also be made on condition of good behavior if there is difficulty in getting the child to behave properly in public but more importantly we need to find out the reason for their misbehavior and deal with the cause. Bonding between the parent and child is crucial in establishing good behavior.

Question 1:

I have a two-year-old boy, who is as cute as a bug's ear, and I love him dearly, but he nearly drives me crazy. He throws the most violent temper tantrums and gets into everything. Why is he like this, and are other toddlers so difficult?

Answer:

Your description of your toddler comes right out of the child-development textbooks. That time of life begins with a bang (like the crash of a lamp or a porcelain vase) at about eighteen months of age and runs hot and heavy until about the third birthday.

A toddler is the most hard-nosed opponent of law and order, and he honestly believes that the universe circles around him. In his cute little way, he is curious and charming and funny and lovable and exciting and selfish and demanding and rebellious and destructive. Comedian Bill Cosby, father of five, had some personal experience with toddlers. He was quoted as saying, "Give me two hundred active two-year-olds and I could conquer the world."

Children between fifteen and thirty-six months of age do not want to be restricted or inhibited in any manner, nor are they inclined to conceal their opinions. Bedtime becomes an exhausting, dreaded ordeal each night. They want to play with everything in reach, particularly fragile and expensive ornaments.

They prefer using their pants rather than the potty and insist on eating with their hands. And most of what goes in their mouth is not food. When they break loose in a store, they run as fast as their little legs will carry them. They pick up the kitty by its ears and then scream bloody murder when scratched. They want Mommy within three feet of them all day, preferably in the role of their full-time playmate. Truly, the toddler is a tiger--but a precious one.

I hope you won't get too distressed by the frustrations of the toddler years. It is a very brief period of development that will be over before you know it. With all its challenges, it is also a delightful time when your little boy is at his cutest. Approach him with a smile and a hug. But don't fail to establish yourself as the boss during this period. All the years to come will be influenced by the relationship you build during this eighteen-month window.

Question 2:

If it is natural for a toddler to break all the rules, should he be disciplined for routine misbehavior?

Answer:

As I've said, toddlers get into trouble most frequently because of their natural desire to touch, bite, taste, smell, and break everything within their grasp. These are normal and healthy reactions that should not be inhibited. When, then, should they be subjected to mild discipline? When they openly defy their parents' very clear commands! When he runs the other way when called, purposely slams his milk glass on the floor, dashes into the street when being told to stop, screams and throws a tantrum at bedtime, or hits his friends.

These behavior patterns should be discouraged. Even in these situations, however, severe punishment is unwarranted. A firm rap on the fingers or a few minutes sitting on a chair will usually convey the same message as convincingly. Spankings should be reserved for a child's moments of greatest antagonism, usually occurring after the second, third, or fourth birthdays.

Without watering down anything I have written about discipline, it should also be understood that I am a firm believer in the judicious use of grace (and humor) in parent-child relationships. In a world in which children are often pushed to grow up too fast, their spirits can dry out like prunes beneath the constant gaze of critical eyes. It is refreshing to see parents temper their harshness with a measure of "unmerited favor." Likewise, there's nothing that buoys every member of a family quite like laughter and a lighthearted spirit in the home.

Question 3:

My three-year-old can be counted on to behave like a brat whenever we are in the mall or in a restaurant. He seems to know I will not punish him there in front of other people. How should I handle this tactic?

Answer:

Let me answer you with an illustration from nature. They tell me that a raccoon can usually kill a dog if he gets him in a lake or river. He will simply pull the hound underwater until he drowns. Most other predatory animals prefer to do battle on the turf of their own choosing. So do children. If they're going to pick a fight with Mom or Dad, they'd rather stage it in a public place, such as a supermarket or in the restaurant.

They are smart enough to know that they are "safer" in front of other people. They will grab candy or speak in disrespectful ways that would never be attempted at home. Again, the most successful military generals are those who surprise the enemy in a terrain advantageous to their troops. Public facilities represent the high ground for a rambunctious pre-schooler.

You may be one of the parents who has fallen into the trap of creating "sanctuaries" in which the old rules aren't enforced. It is a certainty that your strong-willed son or daughter will notice those safe zones and behaves offensively and disrespectfully when there.

There is something within the tougher child that almost forces him to "test the limits" in situations where the resolve of adults is a question. Therefore, I recommend that you lay out the ground rules before you enter those public arenas, making it clear that the same rules will apply. Then if he misbehaves, simply take him back to the car or around the corner and do what you would have done at home. His public behavior will improve dramatically.

Question 4:

I need more help understanding how to interpret childish behavior. My problem is that I don't know how to react when my son, Chris, annoys me. I'm sure there are many minor infractions that a parent should just ignore or overlook. At other times, immediate discipline is necessary. But I'm not sure I'll react in the right way on the spur of the moment.

Answer:

Obviously, the first thing you have to do is determine Chris's intent, his feelings, and his thoughts. Is there evidence that Chris is challenging your authority? The more blatant his defiance, the more critical it is to respond with decisiveness. But if he has simply behaved immaturely, or perhaps he's forgotten or made a mistake, you will want to be much more tolerant. It is a very important distinction. In the first instance, the child knows he was wrong and is waiting to see what his parent will do about it; in the second, he has simply blundered into a situation he didn't plan.

Let me be specific. Suppose Chris is acting silly in the living room and falls into a table, breaking some expensive china cups and other trinkets. Or maybe he loses his books on the way home from school. These are acts of childish irresponsibility and should be handled as such. Perhaps you will want to ignore what he did, or maybe you'll require him to work to pay for whatever he lost--depending on his age and level of maturity. However, these accidents and miscalculations do not represent direct challenges to authority. Since they aren't motivated by haughty defiance, they shouldn't result in serious reprimands or punishment.

On the other hand, when a child screams obscenities at his mother or stamps his foot and tells her to shut up, something very different is going on. He has moved into the realm of willful defiance. As the words imply, it is a deliberate act of disobedience that occurs when the child knows what his parents want but he clenches his fists, digs in his heels, and prepares for battle.

It is a refusal to accept parental leadership, such as running when called, or disobeying and then perhaps lying about it. When this kind of nose-to-nose confrontation occurs between generations, parental leadership is on the line. It is not time for quiet discussions about the virtues of obedience. It is not the occasion for bribes or bargaining or promises. Nor is it wise to wait until Dad comes home from work to handle the misbehavior.

You have drawn a line in the dirt, and Chris has tossed his cute little toe across it. Who is going to win? Who has the most courage? Who is in charge here? Those are the questions he is asking, and it is vital that you answer them for him. If you equivocate at that moment, he will precipitate other battles designed to ask them again and again. That's just the way a strong-willed child thinks. It is the ultimate paradox of childhood that youngsters want to be led but insist that their parents earn the right to lead them.

In summary, when misbehavior occurs, your obligation is to look first at the issue of intent, and second, at the issue of respect. From your interpretation of these two attitudes, you should know instantly how to respond.

(This article was written by Focus on the Family Malaysia and the Questions and Answers are extracted from "Complete Family and Marriage Home Reference Guide" by Dr. James Dobson with permission.

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