IS THE importance of marriage in danger of lessening in today's culture of self-gratification and sexual permissiveness? For some young adults today, marriage is not viewed as a pre-requisite to engaging in a sexual relationship, and saying "no" to pre-marital sex is considered old-fashioned.

Similarly, cohabitation, the act of two people in a serious relationship living together, is often seen as a better alternative to marriage. "Marriage takes a back seat, as both sexes are already finding gratification, be it emotional, social or physical, without it," says Professor Dr Abd Rahim Abd Rashid of Universiti Malaya Family Development Centre.

From a survey Focus on the Family conducted in 2004, we found that Malaysian families still viewed the institution of marriage as worth protecting. However, we also discovered that cohabitation and pre-marital sex are becoming increasingly common and acceptable in today's society.

To young adults, Dr. James Dobson shares his views on the practice of abstinence before marriage, and the things to consider when looking for the right spouse.

Question: I am nineteen years old, and I'm proud to say that I'm still a virgin. I plan to stay that way until I get married, even though it is difficult to control what I feel. Do you have any suggestions that will help people like me to be moral in a very immoral world? I mean, almost everyone I know is sleeping with somebody, and I don't want to do that. Still I need help to do what is right. What do you suggest?

Answer: I admire your determination to keep yourself for your future spouse. You will never regret that decision. But in order to stick to it, you need to understand that sex is progressive in nature. The relationship between a man and a woman naturally becomes more intimate as they spend time together.

In the early days they may be content to hold hands or have an occasional goodnight kiss. But from that beginning, they typically become more physical week by week until they find themselves in bed. That's just the power of sex in our lives.

I read one study that indicated that when a couple has been together approximately three hundred hours, even most of those who are trying to be moral will do things they didn't intend originally. They may not even realize that is where the relationship is headed until it happens.

What I'm saying is that the decision not to have sex should be made long before the opportunity presents itself. Steps can then be taken to slow down the natural progression before it gets started. It doesn't work to allow all the preliminary intimacies and then hope to stop the progression just short of intercourse. Very few people have the willpower to do that.

Instead, a very early decision must be made to delay kissing, fondling, caressing, and other forms of physical contact. Failure to put the relationship on a slower timetable may result in an act that was never intended in the first place.

Another important principle is to avoid the circumstances where compromise is likely. A girl who wants to preserve her virginity should not find herself in a house or hostel room alone with someone to whom she is attracted. Nor should she single-date with someone she has no reason to trust. A guy who wants to be moral should stay away from the girl he knows would want to go to bed with him.

I know this advice sounds very narrow in a day when virginity is mocked and chastity is considered old-fashioned. But I don't apologize for it. Hold that promise to stay a virgin until you are married, and continue to use your head. You'll be glad you did.

Question: Give me some practical suggestions for the selection of a husband. I sure want to get it right and don't think I should depend on just looks or personality. What are the factors I should consider before saying "I do"?

Answer: Let me list a few things that you might want to consider:

1. A teacher gave me some advice when I was thirteen years of age that I never forgot. He said "Don't marry the person you think you can live with. Marry the one you can't live without." There's great truth in this advice. Marriage can be difficult even when two people are passionately in love with one another. It is murder when they don't have that foundation to build on.

2. Don't marry someone who has characteristics that you feel are intolerable. You may plan to change him or her in the future, but that probably won't happen. Behavior runs in deep channels that were cut during early childhood, and it is very difficult to alter them.

In order to change a deeply ingrained pattern, you have to build a sturdy dam, dig another canal, and reroute the river in the new direction. That effort is rarely successful over the long haul.

Therefore, if you can't live with a characteristic that shows up during courtship, it may plague you for the rest of your life. For example, a person who drinks every night is not likely to give up that habit after the honeymoon. If he or she is foolish with money or basically unclean or tends to get violent when irritated or is extremely selfish, these are red flags you should not ignore. What you see if what you get.

Of course, we all have flaws, and I'm not suggesting that a person has to be perfect to be a candidate for marriage. Rather, my point is that you have to decide if you can tolerate a quirky behavior for the rest of you life--because that's how long you may have to deal with it. If you can't, don't bank on deprogramming the partner after you've said "I do."

I advise you to keep your eyes open before marriage and then half-closed thereafter.

3. Do not marry impulsively! I can think of no better way to mess up your life than to leap into this critical decision without careful thought and prayer. It takes time to get acquainted and to walk through the early stages of the bonding process.

Remember that the dating relationship is designed to conceal information, not reveal it. Both partners put on their best faces for the one they seek to attract. They guard the secrets that might be a turnoff. Therefore, many newlyweds get a big surprise during the first year of married life. I suggest that you take at least a year to get beyond the façade and into the inner character of the person.

4. Do not move in with a person before marriage. To do so is a bad idea for many reasons. This is because it undermines a relationship and often leads to divorce. Studies show that couples who live together before marriage have a 50 percent greater chance of divorce than those who don't, based on fifty years of data. Those who cohabit also have less satisfying and more unstable marriages.

Why? The researchers found that those who had lived together later regretted having "violated their moral standards," and "felt a loss of personal freedom to exit out the back door." Furthermore, and in keeping with the theme of marital bonding, they have "stolen" a level of intimacy that is not warranted at that point, nor validated by the degree of commitment to one another.

5. Don't get married too young. Those who wed in their teens are twice as likely to divorce as couples who wait until their twenties. Making it as a family requires some characteristics that come with maturity, such as selflessness, stability, and self-control. It's best to wait for their arrival.

6. Finally, I'll conclude with the ultimate secret of lifelong love. Simply put, the stability of marriage is a by-product of an iron-willed determination to make it work. If you choose to marry, enter into that covenant with the resolve to remain committed to each other for life. Never threaten during angry moments to leave your mate. Don't allow yourself to consider even the possibility of divorce. Calling it quits must not become an option for those who want to go the distance!

(This article was written by Focus on the Family Malaysia and the Questions and Answers are extracted from "Complete Family and Marriage Home Reference Guide" by Dr. James Dobson with permission.

Focus on the Family 90-second commentaries is aired over TRAXX FM at 9.30 a.m. Monday to Friday. )