IT MUST BE recognized that the elementary school child has reached an age of understanding. As such, parents should act as role-models in helping them to become socially acceptable. Children between the ages of seven and twelve are able to appreciate and evaluate values such as honesty, courtesy and fair-play. In fact they have an extremely sensitive reaction to what is fair and acceptable.

One of the best ways to get children of this age to conform is to work with them on tasks which utilize their energy, skill and creativity. Such tasks give them confidence in their own ability and cultivate self-reliance and develops a healthy respect for parents who have demonstrated patience, perseverance and above all a genuine interest in the youngster. The knowledge of 'my father knows how' or 'my mother can do it' goes a long way in creating confidence in the opinion of parents. Obedience then becomes less of a problem because the child has experienced the wisdom and ability of the parent.

One should not expect to be respected as a parent simply because we are older. Respect must be earned. Let children know and see how hard parents work to pay bills and live their lives honorably. Let them know how tired one is at the end of a day at work and after completing household chores; let them participate as willing helpers who appreciate what is being done in the home; let them also enjoy making decisions for themselves and the family. All this creates a sense of belonging and builds pride in who the family is and what they stand for.

What children see they copy, and if they are dealing with adults who are even tempered and reasonable most of the time, they are not likely to demonstrate a temper tantrum or misbehave when something they do not like happens. Parents who demonstrate anger with a child must ensure that the response of the youngster is that of a feeling of disappointment rather than fear. Where fear is the motivating factor for obedience there is likely to be anger and resentment, neither of which builds for healthy relationships. This also leads to unhealthy personality traits in later years.

Birthdays are a good time to talk to the youngster, to affirm them and point out how responsibility goes hand in hand with privileges and how getting older is also a time to think of behaving in a more mature way. When we have certain expectations of children, it is advisable to make clear the reasons for this expectation.

An understanding of what motivates parents to have the expectations they do, helps the youngster to appreciate the need for conforming and for following the rules. It also should give them a pride that parents have these expectations and they should not let them down. Hopefully parents will not be unrealistic and over ambitious in their expectations. If parents are altruistic in their expectation children will respond more readily.

Unfortunately Asian parents are somewhat slow in appreciating and affirming their children; they seem to feel it is like boasting and may lead to unhealthy pride. How often do we say to the youngster in private "I was so proud of the way you behaved when Sam was mean to you." Or, "I think what you did at the picnic was really great--helping to clear the place before we left."

Such remarks build emotional stability and confidence and goes a long way in the memory of a youngster. Do not take good behavior for granted. Build on it and encourage it. Similarly when mistakes have been made or a certain code of behavior broken do not let it mar the trust and goodwill already built up and do not harp on it later. Forgive and continue to trust and hope for the best.

Question 1:

Isn't it our goal to produce children with self-discipline and self-reliance? If so, how does your approach to external discipline imposed by parents get translated into internal control?

There are many authorities who suggest that parents take a passive approach to their children for the reason implied by your question. They want their kids to discipline themselves. But since young people lack the maturity to generate that self-control, they stumble through childhood without experiencing either internal or external discipline.

Thus, they enter adult life having never completed an unpleasant assignment or accepted an order that they disliked or yielded to the leadership of their elders. Can we expect such a person to exercise self-discipline in young adulthood? I think not. That individual doesn't even know the meaning of the word.

My belief is that parents should introduce their children to discipline and self-control by any reasonable means available, including the use of external influences, when they are young. By being required to behave responsibly, he gains valuable experience in controlling his own impulses and resources. Then as he grows into the teen years, responsibility is transferred year by year from the shoulders of the parent directly to the child.

He is no longer required to do what he has learned during earlier years in the hope that he will want to function on his own initiative. To illustrate, a child should be required to keep his room relatively neat when he is young. Then somewhere during the midteens, his own self-discipline should take over and provide the motivation to continue the task. If it does not, the parent should close the door and let him live in a dump, if that is his choice.

In short, self-discipline does not come automatically to those who have never experienced it. Self-control must be learned, and it must be taught.

Question 2:

What is the most common error made by parents in disciplining their children?

Answer: I would have to say it is the inappropriate use of anger in attempting to manage boys and girls. It is one of the most ineffective methods of attempting to influence human beings (of all ages). Unfortunately, most adults rely primarily on their own emotional response to secure the cooperation of children.

One teacher said on a national television program, "I like being a professional educator, but I hate the daily task of teaching. My children are so unruly that I have to stay mad at them all the time just to control the classroom." How utterly frustrating to be required to be mean and angry to do a job year after year. Yet many teachers (and parents) know of no other way to manage children. Believe me, it is exhausting and it doesn't work!

Consider your own motivational system and your own response to the anger of others. Suppose you are driving your automobile home from work this evening and you exceed the speed limit by forty miles per hour. Standing on the street corner is a lone police officer who has not been given the means to arrest you. He has no squad car or motorcycle; he wears no badge, carries no gun, and can write no tickets.

All he is commissioned to do is stand on the curb and scream insults as you speed past. Would you slow down just because he turns red in the face and shakes his fist in protest? Of course not! You might wave to him as you streak by. But his anger would achieve little except to make him appear comical and foolish.

On the other hand, nothing influences the way you drive quite like seeing a police car in hot pursuit with lights flashing in the rearview mirror. When you pull your car over to the curb, a dignified, courteous officer approaches the window.

"Sir," he says firmly but politely, "our radar unit indicates that you were traveling sixty-five miles per hour in a twenty-five-miles-per-hour zone. May I see your driver's license, please?" He opens his leather-bound summons book and leans toward you. He has revealed no hostility and offers no criticism, yet you immediately go to pieces. You fumble nervously to locate the license with that ugly picture on it.

Why are your hands moist and your mouth dry? Why is your heart thumping in your throat? Because the course of action that John Law is about to take is notoriously unpleasant. It is that action that dramatically affects your future driving habits. Alas, children think and respond in much the same way you do.

Disciplinary action influences behavior; anger does not. When it comes to boys and girls, in fact, I am convinced that adult anger incites a malignant kind of disrespect in their minds. They perceive that our frustration is caused by our inability to control the situation.

We represent justice to them, yet we're on the verge of tears as we flail the air with our hands and shout empty threats and warnings. Let me ask: Would you respect a superior court judge who behaved that way in administering legal justice? Certainly not. This is why the judicial system is carefully designed to appear objective, rational, and dignified.

I am not recommending that parents and teachers conceal their legitimate emotions from their children. I am not suggesting that we be like bland and unresponsive robots who hold everything inside. There are times when our kids become insulting or disobedient and our irritation is entirely appropriate.

In fact, it should be revealed, or else we appear artificial and insincere. My point is merely that anger often becomes a tool used for the purpose of influencing behavior. It is ineffective and can be damaging to the relationship between generations. Instead, try taking action that your children will care about. Then administer it with cool and calm composure.

Question 3:

I see now that I've been doing many things wrong with my children. Can I undo the harm?

Answer: I doubt if it is too late to do things right, although your ability to influence your children lessens with the passage of time. Fortunately we are permitted to make many mistakes with our kids. They are resilient, and they usually survive most of our errors in judgement. It's a good thing they do, because none of us can be a perfect parent. Besides, it's not the occasional mistakes that hurt a child--it is the consistent influence of destructive conditions throughout childhood that does the damage.

Question 4:

What place should fear occupy in a child's attitude toward his mother or father?

Answer: There is a narrow difference between acceptable, healthy respect and destructive fear. A child should have a general apprehension about the consequences of defying his or her parent. But he or she should not lie awake a night worrying about parental harshness or threats of punishment. Perhaps a crude example will illustrate the difference between these aspects of fear.

A busy highway can be a dangerous place to take a walk. In fact, it would be suicidal to stroll down the fast lane of a highway at 6.00 p.m. on any Friday. I would not be so foolish as to get my exercise in that manner because I have a healthy fear of fast-moving vehicles.

However, as long as I don't behave stupidly, I have no cause for alarm. I am not threatened by this source of danger because it only reacts to my willful defiance. Without stretching the analogy too far, I want my child to view me with the same healthy regard. As long as she does not choose to challenge me, openly and willfully, she lives in total safety. She need not duck and flinch when I suddenly scratch my eyebrow.

She should have no fear that I will ridicule her or treat her unkindly. She can enjoy complete security and safety – until she defies me. Then she'll have to face the consequences. This concept of fear is better labeled "awe" or "respect."

(This article was written by Focus on the Family Malaysia and the Questions and Answers are extracted from "Complete Family and Marriage Home Reference Guide" by Dr. James Dobson with permission.

Focus on the Family 90-second commentaries is aired over TRAXX FM at 9.30 a.m. Monday to Friday.)