Remember the nursery rhyme about the little girl who had a little curl? It goes like this, "There was a little girl, who had a little curl, right in the middle of her forehead. And when she was good, she was very very good, and when she was bad, she was horrid."

This rhyme, written many years ago, still depicts something familiar to modern-day parents--their little moody girl who sometimes drives them up the wall.

What do we do as parents when our little girls (or boys) are in a bad mood? Do we leave them alone until they come out of it? Do we coax or pester them to cheer up? Or do we punish them for behaving badly? What if all these methods fail to bring about the desirable result?

Perhaps we need to understand that discipline is not synonymous to punishment. Punishment is only one way of achieving discipline. The objective of discipline is to bring about a desirable change in the child, be it change in attitude, habit, values, behavior etc. The long-tern goal is growth and maturity. Therefore there are many facets to discipline.

In the following answers, Dr. Dobson suggests turning discipline sessions into a game. Sometimes, a judicious use of reward and punishment can achieve the purpose of changing a child's attitude as outlined in the use of the Attitude Chart (as shown below). You might want to add or subtract something, or modify to suit your child's situation. To make the chart more interesting, use stickers instead of points. This is worth the try, parents.

Question 1: I find I'm more likely to say no to my children than to say yes, even when I don't feel strongly about the permission they are seeking. I wonder why I automatically respond so negatively.

Answer: It is easy to fall into the habit of saying no to our kids.

"No, you can't go outside."
"No, you can't have a cookie."
"No, you can't use the telephone."
"No, you can't spend the night with a friend."

We could have answered affirmatively to all of these requests, but we chose almost automatically to respond in the negative. Why? Because we didn't take time to stop and think about the consequences; because the activity could cause us more work or strain; because there could be danger in the request; because our children ask for a thousand favors a day and we find it convenient to refuse them all.

While every child needs to be acquainted with denial of some of his or her more extravagant wishes, there is also a need for parents to consider each request on its own merit. There are so many necessary nos in life that we should say yes whenever we can.

Question 2: My little girl, Susie, is sometimes sugar sweet, and other times she is unbearably irritating. How can I get her out of a bad mood when she has not really done anything to deserve punishment?

Answer: I would suggest that you take her in your arms and talk to her in this manner, "I don't know whether you've noticed it or not, Susie, but you have two ‘personalities.' A personality is a way of acting and talking and behaving. One of your personalities is sweet and loving.

No one could possibly be more lovable and happy when this personality is in control. It likes to work and looks for ways to make the rest of the family happy. But all you have to do is press a little red button, ding, and out comes another personality. It is cranky and noisy and silly. It wants to fight with your brother and disobey your mom. It gets up grouchy in the morning and complains all day.

"Now, Susie, I know that you can press the button for the neat personality or you can call up the unpleasant one. Sometimes you need help to make you want to press the right button. That's where I come in. If you keep on pressing the wrong button, like you have been today, then I'm going to make you uncomfortable one way or the other. I'm tired of the cranky character, and I want to see the happy one. Can we make a deal?"

When discipline becomes a game, as in a conversation such as this, then you've achieved your purpose without conflict and animosity.

Question 3: Our six-year-old is extremely negative and disagreeable. He makes the entire family miserable, and our attempts to discipline him have been ineffective. He just happens to have a sour disposition. How should we deal with him?

Answer: The objective with such a child is to define the needed changes and then reinforce those improvements when they occur. Unfortunately, attitudes are abstractions that a six-year-old may not fully understand, and you need a system that will clarify the "target" in his or her mind.

To help accomplish this, I have developed an Attitude Chart (see illustration), which translates these subtle mannerisms into concrete mathematical terms. Please note: The system that follows would not be appropriate for the child who merely has a bad day, or one whose unpleasantness is associated with illness, fatigue, or environmental circumstances. Rather, it is a remedial tool to help change persistently negative and disrespectful attitudes by making the child conscious of his problem.

The Attitude Chart should be prepared and then reproduced, since a separate sheet will be needed every day. Place an X in the appropriate square for each category, and then add the total points earned by bedtime. Although this nightly evaluation process has the appearance of being objective to a child, it is obvious that the parent can influence the outcome by considering it in advance (it's called cheating).

Mom or Dad may want their child to receive eighteen points on the first night, barely missing the punishment but realizing he must stretch the following day. I must emphasize, however, that the system will fail miserably if a naughty child does not receive the punishment he deserves, or if he works hard to improve but does not obtain the family fun he was promised. This approach is nothing more than a method of applying reward and punishment to attitudes in a way that children can understand and remember.

For the child who does not fully comprehend the concept of numbers, it might be helpful to plot the daily totals on a cumulative graph, such as the one provided below.

I don't expect everyone to appreciate this system or to apply it at home. In fact, parents of compliant, happy children will be puzzled as to why it would ever be needed. However, the mothers and fathers of sullen, ill-tempered children will comprehend more quickly. Take it or leave it, as the situation warrants.

(This article was written by Focus on the Family Malaysia and the Questions and Answers are extracted from "The Complete Marriage and Family Home Reference Guide" by Dr. James Dobson with permission.

Focus on the Family 90-second commentaries is aired over TRAXX FM at 9.30 am Monday to Friday.)