Sex in the context of marriage can bring great joy and fulfillment to the couple. The intimacy of sexual union binds a couple together and distinguishes the relationship from all other relationships. The exclusiveness of sexual union bonds a couple together for a lifetime.

However, many couples encounter difficulties, which rob them of full enjoyment of this special gift of sex. Misunderstandings often arise because of lack of understanding or communication. There are differences in the felt need for sex between males and females. This can lead to frustration if husband and wife are not sensitive to their differences. Needs may not be fully met, which can lead to quarrels and strained relationship.

Husband and wife need to learn to communicate openly about their sexual life. Feelings of fears, anxiety have to brought to the open. Likes and dislikes too need to be made known to each other.

Question: My wife will not respond to me sexually unless the circumstances are just right. It isn’t enough for us to just enjoy each other physically. I have to talk to her and spend time with her before we even get to bed or she is disinterested. Are other women like this?

Answer: The majority is just like that. Sex for a woman is not exclusively a physical experience. It must have a romantic element to satisfy her. Unless a woman feels a certain closeness to her husband at a particular time – unless she believes he respects her as a person – she may be unable to enjoy a sexual encounter with him. When she makes love in the absence of that romantic closeness, she often feels used. In a sense, her husband has exploited her body to gratify himself. Like your wife, she may either refuse to participate, or she will yield with reluctance and resentment.

To the contrary, a man can come home from work in a bad mood, spend the evening slaving over his desk or in his garage, watch the eleven o’clock news in silence, and finally hop into bed for a brief encounter. The fact that he and his wife have had no tender moments in the entire evening does not inhibit his sexual desire significantly. He sees her on her way to bed in her clingy nightgown, and that is enough to arouse him. But his wife is not so easily moved. She waited for him all day, and when he came home and hardly even greeted her, she felt disappointment and rejection. His continuing coolness and self-preoccupation reduces her desires. Therefore, she may find it impossible to respond to him later in the evening.

The inability to explain this frustration is, I believe, a continual source of irritation to women.

Question: Is the felt need for sex the same in both males and females?

Answer: Many men and women differ significantly in their manifestations of sexual desire. Research seems to indicate that the intensity of pleasure and excitation at the time of orgasm in women and ejaculation in men is about the same, although the pathway to that climax takes a different route. Most men can become excited more quickly than women. They may reach a point of finality before their mates get their minds off the evening meal and what the kids will wear tomorrow morning. It is a wise man who recognizes this feminine inertia, and brings his wife along at her own pace.

This coin has two sides, however. Women should also understand how their husbands’ needs differ from their own. When sexual response is blocked in males, they experience an accumulating physiological pressure that demands release. Two seminal vesicles (small sacs containing semen) gradually fill to capacity; as maximum level is reached, hormonal influences sensitize the man to all sexual stimuli. Whereas a particular woman would be of little interest to him when he is satisfied, he may be eroticized just to be in her presence when he is in a state of deprivation. A less passionate wife may find it difficult to comprehend this accumulating aspect of her husband’s sexual appetite, since her needs are typically less urgent and pressing. Thus, she should recognize that his desire is dictated by definite biochemical forces within his body, and if she loves him, she will seek to satisfy those needs as meaningfully and as regularly as possible. I’m not denying that women have definite sexual needs that seek gratification; rather, I am merely explaining that abstinence is usually more difficult for men to tolerate.

Question: Why are some men and women less sensual than others?

Answer: Adult attitudes toward sexual relations are a function of genetics and conditioning during childhood and adolescence. It is surprising to observe how many otherwise well-adjusted people still think of married sex as dirty, animalistic, or evil. Such a person who has been taught a one-sided, negative approach to sex during the formative years may find it impossible to release these carefully constructed inhibitions on the wedding night. The marriage ceremony is simply insufficient to reorient one’s attitude from “You shall not” to “You shall – regularly – and with great passion!” The mental turnabout is not easily achieved.

Let me address the other related factor. Not all differences in intensity of the sex drive can be traced to errors in childhood instruction. Human beings differ in practically every characteristic. Our feet come in different sizes, our teeth are shaped differently, some people eat more than others, and some are taller than their peers. We are unique individuals. Accordingly, we differ in sexual appetites. Our intellectual “computers” are clearly programmed differently through the process of genetic inheritance. Some of us “hunger and thirst” after our sexuality, while others take it much more casually. Given this variability, we should learn to accept ourselves sexually, as well as physically and emotionally. This does not mean that we shouldn’t try to improve the quality of our sex lives, but it does mean that we should stop struggling to achieve the impossible – trying to set off an atomic bomb with a matchstick!

As long as husband and wife are satisfied with each other, it doesn’t matter what popular magazines say their inadequacies happen to be. Sex in this culture has become a statistical monster. “The average couple has intercourse three times a week! Oh no! What’s wrong with us? Are we undersexed?” A husband worries if his genitalia are of “average” size, while his wife contemplates her insufficient bustline. We are tyrannized by this preoccupation with sexuality. I hereby make a proposal: Let’s keep sex in its proper place; sure, it is important, but it should serve us and not the other way around!

Question: Would you weigh that most marital problems are caused by sexual difficulties?

Answer: No, the opposite is more accurate. Most sexual problems are caused by marital difficulties. Or stated another way, couples that have problems in bed often have bigger problems in the other 23 ½ hours of the day.

Question: My husband and I never talk about the subject of sex, and this is frustrating to me. Is this a common problem in marriage?

Answer: It is, especially for those who are having sexual difficulties. It is even more important that the doors of communication be kept open in marriage when sex is a problem. When intercourse has been unenthusiastic, and when anxiety has been steadily accumulating, the tendency is to avoid referring to the topic in everyday conversation. Neither partner knows what to do about the problem, and they tacitly agree to ignore it. Even during sexual relations, they do not talk to one another.

One woman wrote me recently to say that her sex life with her husband resembled a “silent movie.” Not a word was ever spoken.

How incredible it seems that an inhibited husband and wife can make love several times a week for a period of years without ever verbalizing their feelings or frustrations on this important aspect of their lives. When this happens, the effect is like taking a hot Coke bottle and shaking it until the contents are ready to explode. Any anxiety-producing thought or condition that cannot be expressed is almost certain to generate inner pressure and stress. The more unspeakable the subject, the greater the pressurization that tends to weaken sexual desire.

Furthermore, when conversation is prohibited on the subject of sex, the act of intercourse takes on the atmosphere of a performance – each partner feeling that he or she is being critically evaluated by the other. To remove these communication barriers, the husband should take the lead in helping his wife verbalize her feelings, her fears, her aspirations. They should talk about the manners and techniques that stimulate – and those that don’t. They should face their problems as mature adults, calmly and confidently. There is something magical to be found in such soothing conversation; tensions and anxieties are reduced when they find verbal expression.

Question: My husband and I don’t get in bed until nearly midnight every evening, and then I’m too tired to really get into lovemaking. Is there something unusual or wrong with me for being unable to respond when the opportunity presents itself?

Answer: There is nothing unusual about your situation. Physical exhaustion plays a significant part in many women’s inability to respond sexually. A mother who has struggled through an eighteen-hour day – especially if she has been chasing an ambitious toddler or two – may find that her internal pilot light has flickered and gone out. When she finally falls into bed, sex represents an obligation rather than a pleasure. It is the last item on her to-do list for that day. Meaningful sexual relations utilize great quantities of body energy and are seriously hampered when those resources have already been expended. Nevertheless, intercourse is usually scheduled as the final event in the evening.

If sex is important in a marriage, and we all know that it is, then some prime-time moments should be reserved for its expression. The day’s working activities should end early in the evening, permitting a husband and wife to retire before exhausting themselves on endless chores and responsibilities. Remember this: Whatever is put at the end of your priority list will probably be done inadequately. For too many families, sex languishes in last place.

This article was written by Focus on the Family Malaysia and the Questions and Answers are extracted from “The Complete Marriage & Family Home Reference Guide” by Dr. James Dobson with permission. www.family.org.my

Focus on the Family 90-second commentaries is aired over TRAXX FM at 12.05pm Monday to Friday